John’s Musings

I’m still reeling from the foolish decisions I made several weeks ago. I can’t believe the way I act sometimes. I wish I thought more before I jumped into a situation that I knew I should have stayed away from.

But, hey, I’m learning. This situation is almost resolved, and I’m feeling better about it.

I have a question. Are belts with big buckles still cool? I shelled out some serious cash yesterday for what I thought was a cool belt. I’m attaching a picture of it.

-John

Try to stay alive
Until I hear your voice
I’m gonna lose my mind
Someone tell me why
I chose this life
This superficial lie
Constant compromise
Endless sacrifice

-Endless Sacrifice, by Dream Theater

Born into this world a broken home
Surrounded by love yet all alone
Forced into a life that’s split in two
A mother and a father both pulling you

Then you had to deal with loss and death
Everybody thinking they know best
Coping with this shit at such an age
Can only fill a kid with pain and rage

Family disease pumped through your blood
Never had the chance you thought you could
Running all the while with no escape
Turning all that pain in to blame and hate

Living on your own by twenty one
Not a single care and having fun
Consuming all the life in front of you
Burning out the fuse and smoking the residue

-This Dying Soul, by Dream Theater

I can relate to these songs on some level. I yearn to hear the voice of sanity in this crazy life. Sometimes I don’t know who’s right and who’s wrong.

I feel dead to what’s most important to in this world. I’m growing intolerant of my family, bored with church, and apathetic about my faith in Christ. I used to pretend that I wasn’t that way, but now I choose not display this façade any more, and more and more people are seeing me for who I am.

I have no clue as to what I am going to do with my future. It doesn’t help that I’m almost 18 and almost out of high school.

Enough of that. This blog is now starting to look like a journal that I would keep private.

Later,

-John

I have decided that I shall never again look online for a girlfriend.

Let me get this straight–I never really did look online for a girlfriend. I just happened to find one in early December.
It made sense at the time to progress with a distance relationship. Now, looking back, I feel it was stupid. I realize I just wanted a girlfriend so bad that I’d be stupid enough to fall for a girl I met online. The feelings and headaches I experienced because of the relationship were not worth the benefits.

And then I met a girl online about 3 weeks ago (this introduction was completely random and of her initiating). We talked a lot on the phone. I even talked with her from 11PM on a Sunday night to 6 AM the following morning.

I allowed myself to get emotionally close with this individual. I did not learn my lesson yet.

Fortunately, this relationship is also over. I have learned my lesson for good.

Right now I’m at an exciting point in my life. I know I’m going to be out more and I know I’ll be meeting more people. I’ll definitely be meeting many more girls than I am meeting now, and I just may meet a few girls who show interest in me.

I hope I will then remember the lessons I learned this year.
-John

I have been thinking back on the happenings of the past three weeks. I’ve been thinking about how I’ve acted. In retrospect, I feel that some of the things I did and some of the thoughts I’ve entertained were rather immature.

So tell me this. Is being mature always acting maturely, or is it recognizing when you are immature?  I honestly can’t figure that one out.

Your comments are well-appreciated.

-John

Well, it isn’t a false alarm. But I do have all my DVDs back.

-John

My stash was found. Farewell.

-John

I bought a laptop computer recently. It’s very fast. It has the following features:

• AMD Turion 64-bit processor, clocking at around 1.8 GHZ,
• 1024 megabytes of DDR SDRAM (2 DIMM),
• Radeon Mobility graphics card with 128 megabytes of RAM (which runs America’s Army at around 30-40 fps!),
• Integrated 54g 802.11b/g wireless card (internet access all over my house!),
• Double layer DVD±R/RW and CD-RW combo drive,
• 15.4″ BrightView WXGA high-definition widescreen display, and
• 80 Gigabyte hard drive

This laptop is sweet!

-John

Internet is back! My dad took me to our local Comcast establishment, and we traded in our fried modem for a new one. I’m back online, and currently sitting in my family room with my laptop. Life is good.

So I am completely at peace about the situation I mentioned a few days ago. Sometimes it takes a few days to start thinking clearly, but now everything is ok.

-John

By the way, thank you, unnamed neighbor, for kindly sharing your wireless network with me. Your kindness was greatly appreciated.